Dauntless Dance
by factionofagirl
Summary: She's a beautiful and graceful ballerina with a dark and deadly secret. He's a tough dance instructor who's falling for his student, what will happen when their worlds collide? AU, FourTris.
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N: Hope y'all enjoy this alternate story on FourTris. I'm not a dance expert so this is just based on my research and one too many episodes of Dance Moms. Enjoy!**_

Tris' POV

"Let's go everybody! Get to the barre and warm up!" Four, our dance instructor orders us. He's the young owner and head dance teacher at the dance company called Dauntless Dance. I've been dancing since I was five and joined his company when I was fourteen.

He started running the place when he was 16 under his father's help and now two years later, he has full ownership of it. I line up behind my best friend Christina at the barre for class. We practice the moves he tells us in silence.

After an hour of pirouettes and arabesques, I'm tired and sit on a bench by the door to wait for my parents to pick me up. They're late again and I am the last one here. Four begins to turn off the lights and close everything up when he sees me.

"Hey! I noticed that you've been waiting here for a long time for your parents. Do you want me to call them?" I shake my head no. They worship my brother but forget about me. My brother Caleb is smart, they don't understand the purpose of dance. They only pay for me to go here to keep me quiet.

He sighs, sitting next to me on the bench. "Well, I'm hungry so how about we get something to eat and I'll drive you home?" The idea excites and terrifies me at the same time. I don't really know him as anyone other than my intimating dance teacher, he's only two years older than me but I feel unease especially when eating around anyone.

Four takes us to a nearby diner where I order a diet Coke and a salad with light dressing on the side. My stomach rumbles as I watch him eat a burger and fries, foods that I forbid myself from eating. "Come on, that's not a real meal. You need to eat something." he urges .

I shake my head and make it a point to eat my salad though his burger practically makes me drool. At the end, I go to the bathroom and purge everything I've eaten. I grugle some water from the sink and scrub my face with soap to hide what I've done.

The car ride home is silent and when we arrive, I close the door behind me and thank him for the ride. "Where have you been, Beatrice? You know it is selfish to make your teacher drive you home!" my father shouts. I tell him softly that Four offered since no one came to pick me up.

I go up to my room and slam the door, knowing no one will notice. I work on my homework and try to relax before going to sleep.

I wake the next morning to sore muscles and fatigue. I slowly get dressed for school and take the bus like I do every morning.

I find a seat next to Christina and stare out the window until we arrive at school. School passes quickly and before I know it, I'm back at the dance studio. It is my second home, the place I feel comfortable and in control.

I change from my street clothes to a black leotard, tights and ballet shoes while wearing my hair in a tight bun.

Today, we're practicing a group dance routine for the competition this weekend. It's a high energy jazz routine with lots of turns in it. Trying to perfect it is tough and we have to rehearse it several times before we get a break.

I'm sweating and my heart is racing as I struggle to catch my breath. Christina brings me some water and we chat for a few minutes during break. "Ready for this weekend?" she asks and I nod. The rival dance team, Candor Crew, are our biggest opponents.

The other groups we come across like The Amity Acrobats and Erudite Eves aren't usually too difficult to beat so this weekend should be interesting. I'll be traveling alone since my family never seems to watch me dance or anything but I still find ways to enjoy it.

After break, we work on solo dances and I have a difficult lyrical ballet piece. It's a pretty song though and I enjoy dancing to it.I pirouette and turn as the music plays. _She just wants to be beautiful, She goes unnoticed, she knows no limits._

I jjeté so I am literally bouncing and flying through the air next then releve, pushing my body upward. _She craves attention, she praises an image. She prays to be sculpted by the sculptor._

I arabesque, reaching my right arm outward and my left leg at a perfect right angle. _Oh, she don't see the light that's shining, Deeper than the eyes can find it._ Then I cross into a fifth position and plié.

I pirouette and finish with my arms stretched out gracefully, arabesque en pointe and grand plié. _Maybe we have made her blind, So she tries to cover up her pain, And cut her woes away._ I Passé so that my left leg is above my right leg.

I rise into an Elevé and relevé. ' _Cause covergirls don't cry, After their face is made_ I developpe so that my left leg is bent and my arms are outstretched. _But there's a hope that's waiting for you in the dark, You should know you're beautiful just the way you are._

I fouette with my left leg on the floor as my right makes a turn, grand jjeté as a long jump. I assemble so I land on my feet as the music finishes playing. And you don't have to change a thing, _The world could change its heart. No scars to your beautiful, We're stars and we're beautiful._

I finish and Four claps. He hugs around my middle, "Your dance is beautiful but you should always try to improve too. Keep tension here." he finishes, releasing me and our eyes meet in an intense stare until we pull away and I am done with dance for the day.


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N: Hey y'all, I'm glad you seem to be enjoying this fic so far. This chapter has some references to self-harm so please be mindful if you're sensitive to that. Some of Tris' secret spills out here as well as in the next chapter, I have been working as a volunteer for a well-known eating disorder organization for almost a year now, I wanted to use my story to help raise some awareness. I'm trying to make this story as realistic as possible, enjoy!**_

Tris' POV

Today is Friday which means when school is over, I will head to practice and travel to the competition for the weekend. We'll be traveling to Milwaukee from Chicago. I arrive with my backpack filled with clothes and everything else I'll need for the trip: a water bottle, MP3 player with ear buds, dance costumes and gum I like to chew to stave off hunger.

We practice the group dance then my solo with Four. We finish and Four orders pizza for everyone to eat before we board the bus. Christina urges me to have a slice so I do but the fat and the grease in it repulses me.

I purge in the bathroom after, making sure that no one can hear me and begin chewing a mint flavored gum to rid myself of the taste. I hate having to hide it and be so sneaky like this but it's what I have to do. People say I'm thin but I only see the fat on my thighs, the jiggle in my stomach and arms.

I board the bus and sit next to Christina, placing my head on the window and falling asleep with my head perched on the window. She shakes me awake later to announce we are here. We have a room to stay in together so it will be tougher to hide everything this weekend but I will find a way.

I wake rested in the morning and dress in our group dance costume which is an icy blue top with a shimmering, loose skirt. Christina asks me if I want breakfast as she is going to get something from the hotel's lobby but I lie and say I'm not hungry. When she's gone, I pop a piece of gum in my mouth and drink lots of water to mask any hunger I feel.

We take turns doing each other's makeup for the performance, making sure we look good. We finish the dance perfectly and I practice more through my solo. I like the choreography and music it has.

My costume is a light orange flowy, sparkly outfit. I stand alone waiting backstage for the other dancer to finish when a wave of dizziness hits me. I drink more water to try to help it but it doesn't fully go away. I head on stage for my routine as the music begins.

About halfway through the routine, the dizziness returns with a vengeance and I trip over my own feet. Embarrassed, I try to hide it and nail the rest of the routine. I walk off the stage to Four who looks furious.

"What was that?!" he demands "What happened?" I fail to speak as my brain and my mouth won't form an answer and all I manage to say is "I'm sorry." His voice turns lower as he says "I expect better from you, ok? You're one of my best dancers."

I nod and run away after to be outside alone, holding back tears. I mess everything up, I can't do anything right. I'm a failure, a big, ugly and fat failure! I grab a knife from the hotel's breakfast area and take it with me into the public bathroom where I am alone.

I plunge it into my thigh and feel relief as the pain and desire to hurt on the outside of my body intensify. I wash the blood off my leg and hide the knife for later. The awards ceremony starts soon so I change into some baggy clothes and meet everyone.

We place first in the group and my solo placed second. Not good enough, it's gotta be first. I can do better, I need to do better. I'm angry with myself. I can't be dancing like this, it has to be perfect. I have to be perfect.

My dream is to dance professionally someday and I can't be anything less than perfect to do that. Everyone congratulates me and I don't show how I'm feeling at all. Christina drags me into dinner with the team to celebrate.

I'm overwhelmed with all of the food around us: burgers, chicken, salad, bread, dessert and soda. I hesitantly choose chicken, salad and a diet soda, hoping no one will notice. I would rather have only the salad but I don't want to look suspicious and it shouldn't be too many calories I hope.

I purge everything I've eaten right away and head to bed that night. Stomach pains and a headache keep me up so I don't sleep very well. I tell a concerned looking Christina that I don't feel well and might be getting sick so she leaves me alone while I sleep through breakfast.

About midday, everyone boards the bus to return home. I gulp water and chew some gum then find a seat and sleep on the way back home. I wake later just as we reach the dance studio to a killer headache and dizziness.

I try to hide what I'm feeling again as I walk down the steps of the bus, gripping the rail as I do to help. I reach the last step and stumble off the bus. The dizziness overcomes as I do, sending me backward onto the pavement as I feel someone catch me.

My surroundings spin as everything goes black.


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N: Hey everyone, hope you had a great weekend. I thought this chapter would be interesting to split so you'll have both Tobias' and Tris' POV. I'll be going back to school (college) later this week so I don't how often I will be able to update. Eating disorders are serious issues but if you or someone you know need help with them, recovery is possible. For help in the U.S., you can reach out to the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) for help finding support groups and/or treatment as well B-eat in the UK or NEDIC in Canada. There are a variety of other international eating disorders organizations abroad depending on where you live. I'm also introducing Will and Lynn later on in this chapter and adding a Did You Know? Fact about eating disorders and/or treatment to each chapter from here on out, Enjoy**_! - Did You Know? The signs that someone with an eating disorder may need immediate medical attention include accidental or deliberate physical injury, suicidal thoughts or actions, confused thinking or they are not making any sense, delusions (false beliefs) or hallucinations (experiencing things that aren't there), feeling mentally disoriented; don't know what day it is, where they are or who they are, vomiting several times a day or have uncontrollable vomiting or diarrhea, experiencing dizziness or fainting spells, feeling too weak to walk or collapse, experiencing painful muscle spasms, complaining of chest pain or have trouble breathing, observing blood in your bowel movements, urine or vomit, having a body mass index (BMI) of less than 16, having an irregular heartbeat or very low heart beat (less than 50 beats per minute) and/or having cold or clammy skin indicating a low body temperature or have a body temperature of less than 35 degrees Celsius/95 degrees Fahrenheit. -  
Tobias' POV I noticed that Tris hasn't really been herself this weekend. In her solo, I noticed that it looked like she tripped over her own feet and her technique wasn't as precise as it usually is. She also didn't seem happy even though our team won and didn't eat much. She stumbled on her way out of the bus and started to fall, I caught her before she hit the pavement but she started twitching and shaking in a seizure afterward. Alarmed, I set her down gently and borrowed Christina's phone to call 911. The five minute wait for the ambulance to arrive feels like the longest wait of my life as I watch helplessly as Tris seizes and I am helpless to do anything to help her. I ride with her to the hospital, afraid to let her out of my sight. I tell the medics everything I have noticed and they go to work giving her some anti-seizure medicine through an IV. She's still to my relief for now. She lays in a hospital bed as I call her parents to tell them what happened and her mom agrees to meet me. How could I have been so blind? Why didn't I notice? I see how gaunt she looks, her ribs clearly visible to the eye. Scars from old cuts cover her limbs with what looks like a more recent one near her thigh. She's cold with cuts across her knuckles and it occurs to me: she's been purging. I had seen that she tends to use the bathroom shortly after eating and now I know why. She's sick and needs treatment so this never happens again. I don't know why I care so much for her but she's beautiful despite what she may think. Tris' mom arrives and introduces herself as Natalie. I've only seen her in passing before, I suck in a breath knowing the conversation I'll need to have with her. "Hello, Mrs. Prior. My name is Four and I am concerned about your daughter, Tris." I start with then move into what I have noticed. When I finish, she thanks me and says it is okay for me to come back and visit, that she will talk to Tris when she wakes up. I don't want to leave her, looking like this but I know I have to go and take care of everyone else too. I wait a few days before I return to give Tris and her family a little time. Tris has been moved upstairs to the adolescent eating disorders unit the nurse tells me when I arrive. I sign in at the desk then walk towards her room. She's awake when I enter, looking more like herself. I feel awkward when I go in, not knowing what to say. Saying I'm glad you're not dead probably isn't appropriate, right? Instead, I decide to say "Hi" and let her take the lead from there. Tris' POV When I woke up in my hospital bed, I had little memory of what had happened until my mom told me. The doctors and therapists then started asking a million questions until they finally diagnosed me with Anorexia Nervosa with binge and purge tendencies. That basically means I think I'm fat though I'm skinny and I like to eat a lot then make myself throw up afterwards. I was dizzy, fainted and seized because my body was severely malnourished and didn't have any of the electrolytes it lost from purging. They say that I'll have to stay in the hospital for a couple weeks while I begin eating again and my body heals from what I've done to it. Then, I'll go to a residential treatment center for a month or more to continue relearning how to eat and everything which means no dance or school for awhile. This morning, Four surprised me when he came to visit me. I tell him all about what I have and the treatment I'll need. He's silent before quietly apologizing "I should have done something sooner. I knew you weren't doing well." I shake my head "No, I got really good at hiding it too until I couldn't anymore." and he smiles. I won't be back to dance for awhile but he promises to come visit when he can. After he leaves, I head to group or group therapy where a nurse pushes me in a wheelchair into the room where it's held. I meet the rest of the patients who include Lynn, a skinny girl with a shaved head and killer personality, a thin but tall boy named Will also a bunch of others whose names I forget. Today we're talking about the moment everyone else found out. Lynn says it was when her sister found her purging, Will's was when a friend noticed how thin he was. My turn is next and I speak slowly as I detail what brought me here. Next is lunch. We all go down to the cafeteria to eat together though I'm not allowed to choose my own food yet. I also almost always have to drink some sort of Gatorade with meals. We eat five times a day which is three meals and two snacks. We eat meals in the cafeteria and afternoon and evening snacks on the unit. I'm on the "A" level for calories though they don't tell you your weight or the calories you're eating. Lunch for me is a piece of chicken, mashed potatoes, an orange and a cup of pudding with a red Gatorade. It takes me awhile to eat but I finish all of it before being led back to our unit for a couple hours of schoolwork which is a nice distraction from everything. My mom visits later and joins me for dinner which for me is a pork chop, carrots, a dinner roll and piece of cake with a carton of milk. It doesn't taste great as most hospital food doesn't but it's nice to spend time with her nonetheless. 


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Hey everybody, thank you so much for reading and reviewing my story. I'm trying to keep this story as accurate as possible even with the schedule and treatment center which are inspired by real-life facilities. Enjoy!

 **Did You Know?**

Eating disorder treatment can vary in level dependent on the needs of the patient, the types of treatment/levels of care from highest to lowest include Inpatient, residential, partial hospitalization, intensive outpatient and outpatient treatment.

Tris' POV

The next few weeks pass quickly as my vital signs return to normal and I am cleared to leave the hospital tomorrow. In the two weeks I've been here, I've been visited by Christina, Four and my mom. Christina seems to have taken a liking to Will and I see them visit each other with goofy grins on their faces.

I've also learned that Lynn is a lesbian and part of her eating disorder is linked to feeling rejected by her family because of who she is. I can't imagine what it must be like to live in a family like that.

My mom is the only one that visits from my family as my father is too busy teaching at a local college and my brother and I never really got along well anyway. We finish evening group and snack before bed but I can't sleep. I'm too nervous for tomorrow.

I know that I've gained weight even if they haven't told me or let me know during the morning weigh ins. It's been hard giving up control and spilling my secrets to strangers but empowering as well since I feel like I'm getting more of myself back.

Tomorrow morning after I'm medically cleared, they are sending me to a residential treatment center called Timberwood Oaks It's set in the country about an hour and a half from Chicago and treats teenage girls with eating disorders like me.

I don't know much about it other than the brochure I've smiling girls and log cabins set in forested areas. The brochure cheerfully says it's a place to connect with others and receive comprehensive support towards a life of recovery.

Recovery is a word they throw out a lot around here, we have groups about how we're working towards our recoveries and how brave we are to be working toward them. It's a lot to listen to and I don't know if I feel like I am brave.

I can't sleep so I head to the dayroom and sit on the couch watching mindless TV by myself quietly. One of the nurses spots me and comes over to sit by me. Her name is Cathy and she's one of my favorites here.

"Hey Tris, what's up? I hear you're leaving this place in the morning." she greets me. "I'm so nervous that I can't sleep." I admit and Cathy offers me some medication to help me sleep. I take it and head to bed, sleeping soundly until someone shakes me awake in the morning.

When I open my eyes, I'm greeted by Cathy and a woman from the treatment center named Tori. Tori has tattoos, long black hair and warm brown eyes. We wait for the doctor come in and Tori will drive me to the center from there.

Dr. Anderson, who has been my doctor since I've been here, enters the room and releases me. I change clothes quickly then follow Tori into the parking lot. She climbs in the driver's seat and I sit in the back, sleeping on the way there.

When we arrive, I smell the scent of pine needles and see a beautiful wooded area that surrounds the main building. Tori ushers me inside and I meet the woman who will be my individual/primary therapist here.

She's a pretty redhead with striking green eyes and introduces herself as Jennifer. She asks me some questions and tells me I'll be seeing her about three times a week while I'm here.

It's lunch time by the time Tori goes through my luggage and I see my assigned room. I see signs the other girls have drawn for themselves with their names which are Marlene and Shauna. Tori takes me to the cafeteria and tells me for the time being, I will need to have someone escort me everywhere.

I don't particularly like this idea but I don't have much choice in it either. Tori makes my plate for me as I am not allowed to choose yet with a tuna salad sandwich, chips and carrots with a glass of juice.

I sit at a table with group four with the people from my assigned cabin. I meet Shauna and Marlene who seem nice. I finish everything in time and then go to school for about an hour. The school is a short walk from the cabin and I sit near Shauna as we work on math homework together.

Shauna is really good at math so she helps me with some of the math problems I don't understand. After school, we all go to group for awhile. Today's group is focused on art therapy and body image.

We each draw what we think our bodies look like and in the outlines, we write the things we stay to ourselves about our bodies. I draw a large body then fill in words like fat, worthless and loser. At the end, the art therapist named June, has me stand next to my picture to trace my actual body.

It's much smaller than I drew and I realize I see myself much larger than the small body I have. After group, we head to dinner where I eat a plate of roast chicken, macaroni and cheese, green beans and a dinner roll with two glasses of milk I have to finish.

We have another group after dinner called meal process where we talk about any feelings or thoughts that occurred during the meal. I say that I felt fat and uncomfortable from eating during the meal. The therapist, Rita, asks to think of a different thought or feeling I could have instead. I answer "I ate what my body needed and I am working on my recovery." which she smiles at. Maybe this place won't be so bad after all.


	5. Chapter 5

_**A/N: Hey readers, I'm SO sorry for the late update. School has been crazy lately! This chapter deals somewhat with the issue of suicide so if that's something you're sensitive to, you might want to skip this chapter. There's also the beginning of some FourTris fluff here. I used some of the lyrics from Savin' Me by Nickelback but I don't own Divergent or the lyrics. Enjoy!**_

 **Did You Know?**

Eating disorders the deadliest mental illnesses both because of the high rates of suicide and medical complications people with them can unfortunately succumb to.

The next few weeks go by quickly and today, I am packing up to go home. At home, I will still be in treatment at the hospital where I was inpatient before. It's less restrictive than residential as I will get to go back to school and my family though. The people here have called it an intensive outpatient program, whatever that means.

All I know is that I will only have to go there in the afternoons during the week and part of Saturdays. I'm excited and nervous to go back to somewhat of a normal life now. I've gotten used to being here and always have someone to help me when I need it.

At the same time though, I'm looking forward to returning to "normal" too. Today is Friday so after I leave once we are done with lunch, I won't go back to treatment until Monday afternoon. It sounds like a long time to me but I ready to be free too.

I finish my lunch and say my goodbyes, hugging Shauna and promising to keep in touch. Tori finds me and smiles as she drives me home. I open the window slightly to enjoy feeling the wind in my hair, finally feeling free.

We reach my house in a little over an hour where my mother stands outside waiting. I smile back at her as I leave the van and step back into my life. "Beatrice, you look well! Let's go inside and join your father and Caleb. I am so glad you're home." she beams.

I sign at the layer of softness that has filled my stomach but I try not to think about it. I decide to text Christina after dinner, knowing she'll be excited and probably want to take me shopping soon. None of my old clothes really fit me anymore from the weight I have gained.

She texts me back shortly with "So glad you're back! I've been lonely w/o you. C u soon." I laugh at her message then set my phone down and decide to go to bed for the night. It's good to be home.

Christina and I agree to meet up at the mall the next day which is Saturday. We head to the food court to grab lunch which overwhelms me with its offerings. Peter, a boy from our school bumps into me and chuckles "Not so skin and bones are we now, Tris? What, they fatten you up?"

I'm fuming but I brush it off as Christina chooses a small Chinese place in the mall for lunch. "Don't listen to him, Tris. Peter's always been a jerk to everyone." she encourages and I nod. We eat greasy chicken and an assortment of other Chinese fried foods.

I try to remember what I learned from treatment and distract myself from what I'm feeling but I can't. My eyes begin to water and I rush towards the bathroom alone, emptying my stomach of everything I have just eaten.

I'm a fat, selfish pig who no one will ever understand. Christina stands outside the door afterwards but I don't let her in. I want to be alone right now.

Christina apologizes for what happened and offers to drives me home but the damage is already done. I broke my promise, my good streak without purging or acting on the urges of behaviors they'd say.

It's raining as I drive around, eyes filled with tears that run down my cheeks. I'm such a failure, I don't see any way out of this. I want to be done and I want to be done right now. I can't take it anymore, I'm not worth it!

I drive to a small park where Caleb and I used to play as little kids. I find a bridge over a small stream and climb so that I'm standing on the edge of it. My heart pounds against my chest and I ready myself to jump when I hear a voice that captures my attention. _And all I need is you  
Come please I'm callin', And all I scream for you, Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin'._

A deep voice comes up behind me. I recognize it as belonging to Four. "Tris, please don't jump!" he pleads but I am tired, I want this to be over. "I-I-I can't do this anymore." I shutter as hot, fresh tears cover my face.

His arms pull me away from the ledge into a comforting hug as I sob into his shirt. When no more tears will come, he pulls me close to his face so that I meet his eyes. A cool blue color filled with warmth and concern. _And say it for me, Say it to me._

"Tris, I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you." he whispers "I care about you more than just a dancer, you are special. You are worth everything to me." he finishes as I take in his face before telling him "I never knew you cared that much but nobody needs me here. I'm so tired of hurting, I just don't think I can do this anymore." I finish as my lips tremble and a tear rolls down my cheek. _And I'll leave this life behind me, Say it if it's worth saving me_

"I don't want to lose you Tris. I need you and I need you here." he responds. "Why?" I ask. "I don't know. I just do." he answers as his lips crash into mine. The kiss is soft and longing and I am surprised how much I enjoy it.

"I think I have been falling in love with you these past few years but I'll understand if you don't feel the same way." he admits to me. "No. I think I love you too." I breathe. Our foreheads press together as steam from our breaths fill the air.

"So what do we do now?" I ask. "G somewhere warm. Do you have a car? I walked here but it's obviously freezing from the rain." he smirks as I drive us to a cozy coffee shop so we can warm up and talk.

I tell him everything that happened from the weekend I landed myself in the hospital, everything from treatment so far and what happened today. We sit comfortably and he listens to what I say quietly. It doesn't feel awkward or uncomfortable, just peaceful to tell someone everything like this.


	6. Chapter 6

_**A/N: Hey everybody, hope you're having a great Labor Day! I had some extra time today so you get two new chapters this week. This chapter does have some angst and deals with the very serious topic of school shooting. There is more fluff coming though, promise. :) Enjoy!**_

* * *

 _ **Did You Know?**_

The five most common eating disorders are Anorexia Nervosa (AN) , Bulimia Nervosa (BN), Binge Eating Disorder (BED), Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID) and Other Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder (OSFED)(i.e. Atypical Anorexia)

* * *

A few weeks later

The past few weeks in treatment have passed by quickly as I am eating normally again and feel my body resume its normal state and weight. I've even been going to school again. I have Advanced English now since it is a new semester and it's one of my best subjects.

A certain blue-eyed boy in my class doesn't hurt either though we haven't spoken since that afternoon in the park. Mr. Pedrad is our teacher and he is goofy but kind. I've just started writing for a paper we have due in a couple weeks when the gunshots begin to fill the hallway.

My eyes widen as I follow Mr. Pedrad's instructions to get down and hide under our desks. I hear his voice before I see him. It's Eric, He's a senior like Four and plays on the football team. He's strong and his piercing make him look even more terrifying.

My heart races and I can't breathe as he barges into the classroom where we are. I pull out my cell phone just in case but I don't have any signal. I gasp for breath as Four reaches out to hold my hand.

No one makes a sound as Eric strolls around the room, weapon in hand. "Well, what have we got here Mr. Pedrad?" he asks menacingly. Mr. Pedrad begs him to talk about why he's acting like this and to not hurt anyone.

"It's too late for that, Mr. Pedrad. I'm tired of everyone making fun of me and not taking me seriously." Mr. Pedrad begs once more for his life before Eric aims for his head and pulls the trigger. His body slumps and a puddle of red surrounds him.

Tears run down my cheeks and I cover my mouth with my free hand to silence the sobs that fill me. My body shudders. Four wipes away my tears with his thumb as Eric scouts the room for his next victim. We are all under our desks with nowhere to hide.

His eyes land on Four and he hesitantly rises as Eric tells him to. I can't look. My heart feels like it's going to beat out of my chest as I rise as well, hoping to have Four distract him long enough for me to wrestle the gun away from him.

His eyes are fixed on Four as he says "Well, how does it feel to be cornered and threatened like this Four? Not so scary now, are you?" I see my opportunity and run behind him, I manage to struggle with Eric for the gun as we both try to pull it away from the other.

I succeed in getting it before he manages to snatch it away from me. He points the gun at my chest and pain fills my body from the bullet. I'm surrounded in a pool of blood and my vision fills with spots at the edges.

I try to hold on, to stay awake but the task proves futile as between the pain and blood loss, I'm dizzy and everything turns black.

Tobias' POV

I watch as Tris unsuccessfully tries to wrestle the gun away from Eric. Before I can react, he shoots her in the chest and she goes unconscious. I give him a quick kick to the groin so he falls backwards while I manage to punch his nose until blood runs from it.

When I'm sure that he's out, I take the gun out of his arms and instruct one of the other students to run to the office for help. I glance at Tris and realize she isn't moving. The blood loss has not stopped in the least.

I place my fingers to her neck to check her pulse. It's weak but still there. The next few minutes feel like hours as we await help. I hear a siren and see an ambulance outside the window though I am still reeling from what happened today.

The medics rush in, placing Tris on a stretcher and wheeling her out of the room. They take Eric too but they apply handcuffs immediately as well. I managed to injure him but it isn't life-threatening like what he did to Tris.

I walk alongside Tris as they load her into the ambulance. They won't allow me to ride with her so I climb into my car and decide to follow. While I'm waiting, I pull out my cell phone, dialing Tris' mom's number. It rings.

Each second that passes frightens me more until she finally answers with "Hello, this is Natalie." I try to keep my voice even as I tell her what happened but my voice cracks once I get to the part where Tris was shot.

The ambulance begins driving so I hang up shortly after to follow them. I see her briefly when we reach the hospital but she's rushed away and I am left alone in wait. Natalie meets me there a short time later but I'm still on edge when she arrives.

She pulls me into a hug. "Thank you for trying to save, Beatrice." she whispers. "I only wish I could have done more, to save her from his menace." I reply softly. We sit in silence in the waiting room for hours for any news on how Tris is.

I must have fallen asleep at some point because later under the haze of exhaustion, a doctor enters the room. She introduces herself as Dr. Miller. "Tris is stable for now. We were able to remove the bullet around her heart and stop the bleeding. We don't fully know how she will be until a couple of hours from now but you're both welcome to visit her in the ICU if you'd like."

With Natalie's blessing, I walk into Tris' room alone. I am not prepared for the condition I find her in though as tubes and wires seem to snake around her body everywhere. She's pale with only a powder blue hospital gown on. I kiss her forehead and hold her hand before leaving.

One thought continues to gnaw at me as I prepare to leave: How the hell did this happen?


	7. Chapter 7

_**A/N: Here's today's second chapter coming at you. Enjoy!**_

* * *

 _ **Did You Know?**_

The possible warning signs that someone may have an eating disorder include behaviors and attitudes that demonstrate weight loss, dieting and control of food are becoming primary concerns, obsession with weight, foods, dieting, carbohydrates and/or fat, refusal to eat certain foods which may become total restrictions of categories of food i.e. desserts, seems uncomfortable eating around others, skipping meals or only eating small portions, new practices of cutting out food group, sudden fad dieting, vegetarianism or veganism, social withdrawal, excessive concern about weight or size, weight fluctuations, stomach cramps or other non-specific gastrointestinal complaints, missing periods. Difficulty concentrating, dizziness or fainting, feeling cold all the time, sleep problems, cuts or callouses on fingers from purging, dental problems, dry, brittle hair, skin and nails, fine hair on body (lanugo), dramatic weight loss, wearing layers to hide weight and/or keep warm, rigid exercise routines, frequent trips to the bathroom after meals, laxative use, and/or self-esteem overly focused on body image.

 **^Remember that one of these signs alone may not be cause for alarm but a collection of them could indicate a problem. Early treatment is essential!**

* * *

Tris' POV

When I open my eyes, I'm greeted by the sight of a sterile hospital room. I feel a deep ache in my chest and my eyes widen, remembering what happened. I don't know how I got here though. I notice Four slumped over in the chair next to me, his fingers entwined with mine.

I whisper his name and he awakens almost instantly. "Hey, you're awake. How are you feeling?" he asks with a hint of a smile. "Like I got shot!" I exclaim, laughing until the pain returns and increases with a vengeance.

His eyes and stare into mine as I grit my teeth. "I'll go get a nurse." he tells me but I grab his arm and stop him. "I don't want you to leave right now, I need you." I whimper as a stray tear rolls down my cheek.

"I'm not going anywhere soon." he whispers, kissing my forehead while reaching to press the nurse call button. He shifts down into the chair and holds my hand. I have so many questions I want to ask right now but I'm too tired and sore to care.

"Hello, my name is Allison but you can call me Ali. Are you hurting right now, Tris?" she asks me and I nod my head. "You're lucky your hero boyfriend was there when it happened. I heard that he helped stop the shooter and saved you." she adds. "Oh, he's not. We're not…" I stutter.

"Oh I'm sorry, I just assumed. He's been here the whole time." he apologizes and adds pain medication to my IV. My eyes refuse to keep themselves open as Four tells me "Just rest. It's okay, Tris. I'll be right here."

I'm lulled back to sleep and see patches of sun penetrate through the blinds. I must have been out for awhile because Four is already awake and appears rested. "Good morning, Sunshine!" he teases "Well, afternoon I guess since it's noon. How are you feeling?"he asks.

"Better." I grin. "Ali said you saved me but I don't know what she meant." I mutter and he responds with "I did. I was so scared, Tris. I managed to knock Eric out and get the gun away from him while I made someone else in class run to the office for help."

"You're so brave, Four. I don't know if I could have done something like that." I compliment. "Hopefully we don't ever have to find out and don't call me Four. My real name is Tobias." he replies.

"What about Eric? Where is he?" I ask as the curiosity gets the best of me. "In jail, probably on his way to life in prison." he tells me. I don't want to wish anything bad on anyone but I am relieved to know that Eric won't have the chance to hurt anyone else.

"I think I'm falling in love with you, Tobias. I just haven't admitted it yet." I say flatly. "I think I might be falling for you too Tris but I'm waiting to know for sure." he smirks. "Maybe we should make a list or a chart or something for you to be sure." I grin.

"Fine, then I love you." he admits and I smile at his confession. "I love you too, Tobias. I'm sure that chair hasn't been too comfortable, why don't you come lay with me?" I suggest. "Are you sure? I don't want to hurt you." I nod my head as my face fills with a wide grin.

He climbs up on the bed, laying side by side with me as he holds me in his arms. Our lips meet and I pulled into a kiss filled with love and passion. We fall asleep like this and I am as comfortably as I have ever felt with being safe in his arms.

Ali wakes me in the morning and says I can go home tomorrow if everything goes okay. I'm starving so even though it's hospital food, I devour every bite. Tobias and I spend most of the day talking, joking and occasionally kissing.

"So Tobias, when I leave here tomorrow, what does that mean for us?" I pry, nervous about what the answer may be. "Well, your mom kind of already found out about us and seemed happy for you. I would like to continue to see you, maybe even go on a date at some point."

"I've never been on a data before." I blush shyly. "Neither have I. Just never found anyone I was interested in until you came along." he chuckles. The rest of the day goes by quickly as we spend time talking about what we like to do and places to have a date.

We decide on going to the movies Friday at 8 and dinner after at the local dinner. Excitement and happiness fill me as I think about what our date will be like though I would be happy doing almost anything with him.

We sleep side by side again peacefully until the morning. Ali gets everything ready then wheels me down to the sidewalk outside where my mother and Caleb are waiting. Going back home is amazing after being in the hospital and I will see Tobias again soon.

Later, my mom brings up the issue of school but I'm not willing to talk about or decide anything yet. It feels too soon. I focus on being home and the comfort of familiarity it brings.

I am not expecting what happens during the night however. I fall asleep but wake from a nightmare covered screaming and covered in sweat. I dreamt that I was back in the classroom with Eric but this time, he kills Tobias then me.

I can't sleep after that so I decide to get up early and make myself a cup of tea. The warmth helps comfort me and I enjoy the serene silence that surrounds me. Tomorrow, I have to go back to the treatment center to finish out the program. When I finish it, they promised that as long as I maintain my weight and follow my meal plan that I can return to dance.


	8. Chapter 8

_**A/N: Hey everyone, hope you're enjoying this fic as much as I am. This chapter deals with serious issues of eating disordered behavior, alcoholism/underage drinking, trauma and suicide If you or someone you know are struggling with any of these issues, know that help is available! You can find crisis hotlines in your country at . . Special thanks to Damn you Kylie for her input and ideas put into this chapter. Enjoy!**_

* * *

 _ **Did You Know?**_

One in three women with Bulimia Nervosa will attempt suicide at least once.

People who have Anorexia Nervosa are 31 times more likely to make a fatal suicide attempt than the general population.

Almost 15 percent of adolescents with binge eating disorder have attempted suicide.

Up to 50% of individuals with eating disorders have abused alcohol or illicit drugs, a rate five times higher than the general population

* * *

 **Tris' POV**

It's been three weeks and I still wake from nightmares in the morning. The relative peace I had those few days with Tobias are gone and I have felt on edge since. Today, I'm going back to school and I am dreading it.

I intentionally move slowly and try to delay going to school as much as possible. "Come on, Beatrice. You don't want to be late! This is the best thing for you right now, to face it." I gulp and feel nauseated at the idea of school now.

My first class is with a new teacher since Mr. Pedrad obviously won't be returning. I try my best to concentrate on the work our new teacher, Ms. Reyes assigns us but I feel distracted. Being in this room feels restrictive and I gasp, trying to fill my lungs with air.

I raise my hand to go to the bathroom and run immediately out of the room. I sit on the bathroom floor, breathing shakily, while memories of what occurred last time I was there flood my mind. I hear the gun shoot in my head, Mr. Pedrad's body surrounded in blood and the shot that left me almost the same way as well.

I can't be here. I find the doors to the entrance and sprint out of them. I can't be here right now. I can't, it's too much. I pant once I am in my car alone, palms shaking and tears flowing heavily. I know the one thing I want right now more than anything: Relief at any cost.

I fumble for the fake ID I got long ago to be able to go clubbing with Christina. I've never drank before but I am desperate for relief and a way to help calm my nerves. I know this is wrong but I have to do it.

I drive to a liquor store and buy two six packs of beer. No one catches me or says anything so I sneak away undetected. I can't go home as my parents would kill me so I drive to a vacant park where I sit near a waterfall on a bench and kick back a beer.

It burns on the way down but makes me feel calm and better. After about three beers, I decide to go home. I drink some water and sleep. I hide the rest of the bottles carefully so that no one will find them.

I wake several hours later when I hear the door knob turn. My brother Caleb strolls in and greets me. "Everything okay? Why did you leave school early?" he questions me. "I wasn't feeling well earlier, a little better now though." I lie.

My mother calls me for dinner later but I stay in bed, telling her I don't feel well. She buys it but I'm going to have to be a little more creative from here on out.

When everyone is asleep, my stomach grumbles and I walk into the kitchen to eat. I binge on chicken, potatoes, chips, ice cream and milk. I walk into the bathroom to purge, turning on the faucet to muffle the noise.

I finished treatment two weeks ago so now I am unsupervised most of the time when I feel like acting on urges to purge like this. I need it right now. I need the control, I need something I can do and that turns out to be my eating disorder.

I haven't told anyone, I'm too ashamed to admit it. I've been going back to dance gradually and it has also offered me a break from everything. It's early morning but I can't sleep so I decide to put on a hoodie and go for a run.

It's peaceful as no one is awake yet and I can be alone. It's become a habit as I run at least two miles a day. It's cold out so I can see my breath but I enjoy running. I make it back before everyone is awake and decide to shower.

All I can see of my naked body disgusts me. I have flabby arms I pinch the fat of, huge thighs and a rounded, chubby stomach. Fat. I'm so fat. I hate this! I hate this!

I don't realize it at first but tears flow while I'm in the shower. I'm never going to be the same again. I'll always be fat and ugly. I'm not worth it. I'm not worth it.

My mother calls me in for breakfast where she has prepared a bowl of cereal and juice for me. I push it around with my spoon, occasionally taking a bite. "Beatrice, I noticed that you haven't been eating much lately. What's going on?"

I slam my hand onto the table, angry at what she's getting at. "I'm fine, mother! It's nothing, it's no big deal. Just leave me alone, ok?" I yell. "And for the record, it's Tris! I hate Beatrice." I growl before grabbing my backpack and heading to the car.

I drive to school where I purge everything I've eaten in the bathroom. I return to my car where I sip a beer before going to first period. I can't avoid it forever but I can numb what I feel. I get through the rest of the day fine.

Christina invites me over for dinner but I don't want to eat. I don't need more people knowing I'm not eating so I stay home, locked in my bedroom, mindlessly watching TV until I go to sleep. I have a peaceful, dreamless sleep for once.

Caleb tries to confront me about what's wrong in the morning as well but I do my best to evade his questions. My days run together with nothing different and exciting anymore. It doesn't seem worth it to continue living like this so I decide I must make a plan to end it all.

I'm tired. I'm so, so tired. I don't want to fight anymore. I can't do this anymore. I want to be done.


	9. Chapter 9

_**A/N: Thank you to everyone reading and reviewing my story! This chapter deals with a suicide attempt but it does lead to Tris embracing getting better and recovering more. Remember in real life, recovery also takes time so I did not want to make it seem like it was a quick process to go through. If you or someone else you know is struggling with depression, self-harm and/or suicide, please seek help! There is help available and you CAN get better. There are hotlines that operate 24/7 worldwide just for this specific reason, I have worked on 2 different lines personally and the people at these lines will listen and support you the best they can. In the U.S. you can call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-900-273-TALK or text 741741 for free 24/7 help. In the U.K., you can call me Samaritans at 116 123 24/7 for help. In Australia, Lifeline 13 11 14 or Beyond Blue at 1300 22 4636 can be called for free 24/7 help. You can find additional information on suicide hotlines in your country at wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines.**_

 _ **September is National Suicide Prevention Month in the U.S.**_

 _ **I used the lyrics from the song Breathe Me by Sia in the chapter in italics but I don't own them or Divergent. Enjoy!**_

* * *

 **Did You Know?**

The following are signs someone may be thinking of suicide. Asking **DOES NOT** hurt if you're concerned about someone, it could actually help save a life. To assess someone's risk for suicide, you need to ask about if they have suicidal thoughts, a plan to try suicide, access to whatever means they need to carry out their plan (pills, gun, etc.) and the timeline of when they may try suicide if they have a plan for when. If yes to all questions and a suicide plan within 24 hours, one is considered at imminent risk of suicide and needs immediate help. You can help someone stay safe by staying with them, helping them find ways to distract themselves from the thoughts and intent to hurt themselves, asking or helping them remove access to means like pills and/or taking them to the nearest emergency room for help to ensure safety.

 ****Note that it's respectful to not use the word commit as this refers back to the historical periods in which suicide was considered immoral/illegal so you can say try or attempt suicide as well as completed or died by suicide when referring to those who have ended their lives through suicide.****

 **Some signs one might be considering or thinking about suicide include:**

Talking about suicide

Seeking access to means for suicide (gun, pills, etc.)

Unusual focus on death, dying or violence

Seeming helpless, hopeless and/or trapped

Feelings of worthlessness, guilt, shame, and/or self-hatred

Feeling like a burden

Getting affairs in order- giving away possessions, writing notes, etc.

Saying goodbye to others

Social withdrawal

Self-destructive behavior – Increased alcohol or drug use, reckless driving, unsafe sex and/or taking unnecessary risks

A sudden sense of calm and happiness after a period of intense depression

Don't be afraid to ask- **YOU** can help save a life!

* * *

When I'm sure that everyone is gone and I am alone, I began gathering everything I need to carry out my plan: A bottle of the painkillers they gave me when I left the hospital, 3 beers to down them with and a knife to finish the job.

My hands shake when I empty the pills into them but I gulp and throw them into my mouth, cracking open a beer and downing the bottle quickly. I finish my beer then one and another, I plunge the knife into my thigh when a trail of blood falls from where I've cut.

The pain is exhilarating, something that helps me release everything I feel inside. _Ouch, I have lost myself again. Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,_ The drugs and alcohol begin to take effect as I lie back and let me blood pool around me. It's almost peaceful as I rest and prepare for my life to end. Y _eah, I think that I might break. Lost myself again and I feel unsafe._

My eyes snap open when I hear the doorknob turning and see someone enter the house. It's Caleb. _Be my friend. Hold me, wrap me up. Unfold me._ I'm too weak to hide or move anything and his eyes snap to mine immediately. "Beatrice!" he yells shaking me "What did you do?!" he demands.

"I'm sorry." I murmur before everything goes black. _I am small and needy. Warm me up. And breathe me_

* * *

The beeping is the first thing I hear when I open my eyes. I'm alone. Frustrated that I did not succeed, I thrash around in the bed and bang my head until I knock myself out. The next time I open my eyes, my arms and legs are bound so that I can't move them.

I'm still alone in a sterile white hospital room until a nurse enters the room to greet me. She introduces herself as Elizabeth, a small, older woman in cheery scrubs. "Where am I?" I ask quietly. "You're in the adolescent psych ward, honey. The doctors felt you're a danger to yourself right now so you're here to be evaluated and stabilized for the next few days at least." she answers softly.

I notice that my leg has been stitched where I tried to cut before, leaving me with a long and ugly scar forming. "I just wanted to be done with it all. I wanted to die. I still do." I sob while Elizabeth embraces me into a hug.

"Do you feel like talking to someone about it? We have counselors here 24/7 that can help." she offers and I find myself nodding.I've gone so long trying to be strong and handle everything alone that the idea of talking even to a stranger seems oddly appealing. "Okay, I'll see who is available."

She returns a few moments later with a young woman and a tray of food in hand. "Hi Beatrice. My name is Brittany, I'm one of the counselors here and I understand you're hurting right now and need someone to talk to." she greets me with a small smile.

"I do but I'm not sure you'll understand. I go by Tris, by the way." I murmur in return as she sets the tray in front of me on a table that rolls up to my bed, freeing my arms. "I might understand more than you think. You see, I've recovered from an eating disorder and self-harm along with some other issues myself." she tells me.

For once, I feel like someone might understand as she suggests. I tell her about the shooting at school, my nightmares, the downward spiral that landed me here and everything between bites of food. She doesn't interrupt and listens attentively, occasionally asking questions about things.

I feel somewhat exhausted by the time I finish telling her everything, awaiting her response. "Well Tris, it does sound like you have been through a lot lately. It's easy to feel misunderstood and harder to open up and trust someone like you have with me here tonight. It's getting late and I can tell you are feeling a little tired so I would like to come back in the morning and talk more about ways to deal with everything you have told me about. Is that ok?" she says as I nod my head and she leaves.

The night is quiet and peaceful as I sleep without any nightmares, feeling relieved from the burden I hadn't realized I was still carrying. I dream of Tobias, laying my head against his chest with his arms tight around me. I miss him. I have missed him and everyone else that I have shut myself away from.

True to her word, Brittany returns the following morning with a tray full of breakfast. "Good morning Tris! How are you feeling today?" she says as I stab and begin eating a piece of egg. I swallow before answering "A little better. Talking has helped some."

"That's great!" she grins. "So tomorrow, you'll be moving to a rehab facility that focuses on treating addictions and eating disorders called The Chicago Center of Hope. It's one of the best places I have seen. If you'll have me, I'd like to continue talking when you get back home in partial hospitalization and outpatient treatment here."

I smile and enthusiastically agree to see her again as she tells me more about the program. "For today, we can let you shower, move around some and have visitors if you'd like since you can't for the first few days at the Center, does that sound good?"I nod as Elizabeth removes the restraints and lets me shower.

She leaves me a fresh gown and scrub pants. I walk into the day room and make myself comfortable on the couch as my family enters inside including my mom, dad and brother. "I'm so glad you're ok!" Caleb smiles before enveloping me in his arms.

My mother squeezes and holds my hand and my father kisses my forehead. They don't press me to talk about anything yet and I don't but it's nice to spend some time with them as a family. My mother is the last to leave, telling me she will call and write as much as possible.

I begin walking back to my room when a familiar pair of blue eyes lock into mine.


	10. Chapter 10

_**A/N: I felt up to writing some more tonight though I probably won't have the opportunity to write more until next weekend with school and everything. You'll notice in this chapter that Tris is choosing meals based on different diabetic exchanges which are commonly used in ED treatment to help patients learn how to normalize what they eat and ensure they get adequate servings of the different food groups (proteins, dairy, etc.). I'm basing Tris' plan based on a real life one you can see at**_ /1500-calorie-meal-plan-2/ _**along with information on the exchange system at**_ /meal-plan-exchanges/. _**The treatment facility's schedule is based on a real one too which you can see at**_ adolescent-residential-schedule/. **_This chapter follows the Wednesday schedule beginning with lunch. Enjoy!_**

 _ **Did You Know?**_

One of the major goals of eating disorder treatment is to normalize eating habits and perform nutritional rehabilitation which may include weight gain or loss depending on one's individual needs.

Tris' POV

"Hi" he says as I am stopped dead in my tracks. "How are you, Tobias?" I ask, feeling his embrace hold me. I take in his scent and warmth as he laughs "Shouldn't I be asking you that?" I move my head up to meet his eyes "I'm fine or at least I will be." I chuckle.

"I'm going to miss you. I have missed you." I whisper before I'm pulled into a kiss full of love and longing. Our foreheads are pressed together, staring right into each other's eyes. "I'm right here, I'll be right here if you'll let me." he mutters.

"I don't want to leave you." I confess. "I know but you have to. You have to focus on yourself right now and we have forever afterward to be together. I'll wait for you as long as I have to. You are the only one worth waiting for." I nod as a stray tear rolls down my cheek and he kisses my forehead.

I give him the address and phone number of the Center to call while I'm there. I give him one last hug before we say goodbye and I am left standing there alone. I know that I have to do this now though. I need to recover. Not just for him, not for my family. For myself.

One of the things Brittany has talked about with me is the idea of needing to be selfish for the time being. It goes against everything I've known but I know it's what I have to do. With nothing else to do and thoughts about everything overwhelming me, I reach for the small journal Brittany gave me to try and write until my wrist feels sore.

Elizabeth finds me later and gives me the menu to choose what I want for dinner and evening snack. It still has to be within the guidelines they've given me but Elizabeth says it will be important for me to learn how to choose my own meals here and later in treatment and recovery.

Dinner requires two starches, two proteins, one vegetable or salad, one dairy, one dessert and one fat. I choose a cup of brown rice, chicken, salad and ranch dressing with milk and a cookie. For snack, I have to choose one fruit and a beverage so I pick a banana and a Gatorade from the list of choices I'm given.

Elizabeth takes my paper with the choices listed and orders the food for me from the cafeteria. Brittany finds me and we begin talking about what tomorrow will be like. I'll have time to eat breakfast, shower and change my clothes in the morning.

She gives me the packed bag that my mom left me for when I leave so I have time to pick out an outfit for the morning.

I eat dinner then snack before bed and choose breakfast for the morning which requires one protein, two grains, one fruit, one protein, one fats and one dairy. Even though it takes some getting used to, I like being able to choose and plan my own meals this way.

I choose a biscuit with butter and cheese, fruit cup and milk before I decide to sleep. The next morning as planned I shower, change into my outfit of a simple black t-shirt and jeans and eat before a friendly looking woman named Susan collects me.

Susan is a small yet kind woman in a plain, gray dress with her hair pinned in a bun. She seems nice but quiet as I leave the hospital and say goodbye to Brittany and Elizabeth. It doesn't take us long to reach the Center where Susan leads me inside.

I meet Lauren, one of the staff who deals with admissions and newbies like me. After checking in, I unload my clothes into the dresser near my bed where someone named Myra will be staying with me.

It's lunch time so I am lead to the dining room to choose my meal. I have to choose three proteins, two grains, a vegetable,a fruit and one fat. I have a grilled chicken patty on a bun, a slice of watermelon, baked beans and mayonnaise on my sandwich.

I meet Myra while I'm eating lunch who seems nice and a bit shy like me. She's been here a couple of weeks already and seems to think the program is excellent especially with it letting us choose our own meals.

We chat until lunch is over and we move on to a group called mindfulness skills and meditation. Lauren leads this group in which we all sit in a circle on the floor as she leads us into breathing exercises and eventually meditations as the name suggests.

I've never done this before but it's nice and calm and quiet. After group ends, we head back into the dining room for afterhours snack. I have applesauce and a fruit punch drink before going on to music therapy and distress tolerance.

Distress tolerance has us think of ways to deal with the urges to hurt ourselves like cutting or purging. We each write out our own list of ways to avoid "behaviors" as our group leader, Michelle, refers to them.

My list consists of talking to others, listening to music, reading, watching TV, writing or doing homework which she seems pleased with. We have free time before dinner so I go to our room and journal about everything that has happened today.

It's been a lot to handle but I feel like this might help me get better for real this time. I decide to write everyone a letter which I can ask them to mail after dinner. Dinner for me consists of corn with butter, meatloaf, squash, milk and a brownie.

It's a lot more food than I am used to buy with time and encouragement, I manage to finish it all. Evening snack is an apple and Gatorade that I choose before going to bed for the night. We have to wake up early for weights and vital sign taking of everyone so I go to bed, exhausted from everything the past few days have brought.


	11. Chapter 11

_**A/N: Hi everybody! This chapter deals with loss so you may want to use caution if that is a trigger for you. Enjoy!**_

 **Did You Know?**

The following stressors can be trigger one to return to eating disorder symptoms (may explore in a later chapter):

Going off to college

Moving to a new town or away from home

Starting a new job

Financial challenges

Infertility or getting pregnant

Birth of a child

Marriage or divorce

Death of a loved one

Diagnosis of a chronic disease

Menopause

Tris' POV

I wake the next morning refreshed around 7. I get dressed, weighed even though they won't let me see how much I weigh, and head for breakfast. I have yogurt with granola and strawberries, toast with peanut butter and milk. It's filling and gives me energy which is how they refer to food here. It's fuel for the body.

We have the option for a walk after breakfast so I join some of the other girls for a stroll outside. The morning air is cool as I can see my breath. I'd rather go for a run by myself right now but I have to be okay with walking for now.

Myra tells me this weekend is family weekend so all the families will come and visit us. I hope that mine will even though it's only been a few days since I saw them. We have a break after the walk then morning snack which for me is graham crackers and a chocolate protein shake.

Next, we have community group which is a chance to talk to the other residents here about issues and concerns. After, we have a body image group in which the leader gives us each a spool of yarn for us to estimate the size of our waists. I give her mine which is twice my actual size. It's shocking in some ways but it also makes sense given how I see myself lately.

For lunch, I have a bacon cheeseburger with ketchup, roasted asparagus and a slice of watermelon with a Gatorade. The burger is delicious but it's hard to eat especially with the grease. I have to keep trying though and I do.

After lunch, we each work with tutors on our school work so I try to catch up on what I've missed. I finish the majority of the work before heading for afternoon snack of a fruit cup and milk. So far eating everything hasn't been too bad but tomorrow they are going to increase it.

Our next group called psychodrama turns out to be pretty fun as we each take turns acting in our eating disordered then rational or neutral voices. "Don't eat that! You're fat. You're disgusting!" I say then move to "You're not fat. That's a lie. You need to eat. You need to recover." which elicits a round of applause in the room and I blush.

At dinner, I have two chicken wraps with ranch, cheese and lettuce, grapes and strawberry frozen yogurt with juice. We have free time after dinner and before night snack time so I finish my homework, eat an apple with peanut butter and milk and go to sleep.

The next couple of days go by quickly and before I know it, the weekend is here. My mom called last night and said they would be coming.

Our Saturday schedule is similar to the one during the week except after morning snack and a couple of groups, the families arrive today. I'm excited to see them. For breakfast, I eat some banana nut oatmeal with milk then head out for a walk.

I return inside where everyone is talking excitedly about their families coming except Myra. She's sitting alone in the corner so I crouch beside her and ask "What's wrong?"as tears fill her eyes "My family isn't coming. My dad has to work and my mom won't come by herself."

I nod and feel sympathy for her. Not long ago, that could have been my family so I invite her to spend the day with us. For morning snack, I have a small orange and a vanilla protein shake before heading to our first group.

Once groups are done, we have lunch before the families get here.I have a ham and cheese sandwich with chips and carrots with ranch. After lunch, my family enters where I see my mom, dad and Caleb.

It's a bit awkward at first but things improve quickly as my mom asks how I'm doing. I tell her about how I'm learning how to help myself so much here and she says I look happy. I miss them a lot but I hope to not be away from them too much longer.

We eat snack together and I introduce them to Myra whom they greet politely. They leave with the other families before dinner and we say our goodbyes. What I don't realize though is that it's the last time I will ever speak to my parents.

After dinner, Susan finds me and pulls me aside. She looks serious. Her face is sullen. "I'm afraid that I have some bad news, Beatrice." she says slowly while I wait for her to continue. "Your parents were killed tonight on the drive home. A car crashed right into the front of their car and they received the brunt of the impact." she finishes as a tear slides down my face.

"What? But they were just here. I don't understand how this could happen! What about Caleb?" I scream as a sob escapes me and I fall to my knees. Susan's face looks forlorn again as she tells me "He's alive but in critical condition. They aren't sure he's going to make it, he sustained a lot of injuries in the accident."

My parents are dead. My brother might die. All because of me, all because of me. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." Susan repeats as she pats my shoulder before I rise up to say something. "I need to see him." I croak.

Susan says we can in the morning that they won't let me right now anyway because of visiting hours. I just got my family back and now I've lost them yet again for good this time. How will I ever be the same?


	12. Chapter 12

_**A/N: Hey everybody! Here is the second to last chapter of this story. This is one of my longest stories to date and one I have really enjoyed writing. Special thanks to Charms22 and Damn you Kylie for their help with this chapter. I'll be writing a sequel soon. Enjoy!**_

 **Did You Know?**

Recovering from an eating disorder involves three important aspects:

Physical recovery- restoring weight and treating any health complications that may occur

Behavioral recovery- cessation or drastic decrease in food restriction, excessive exercise, purging, binge eating, etc.

Psychological recovery- addressing mental and emotional aspects of an eating disorder including body image, distress, perfectionism, food, weight and eating. It may also include treatment for any co-occurring conditions one may have like depression.

 **Tris' POV**

As promised, after breakfast Susan drives to the hospital and takes me to see Caleb. He's so pale. It's hard to see him with so many bruises, tubes and wires that I cover my mouth with my hand to stifle a sob.

I've lost almost everything so quickly that it's hard to process. I force myself to sit in a chair by his bed before giving his hand a squeeze and leaving. It should have been me. It should be me.

I'm seeing Lucy, my therapist, earlier today before our usual Tuesday session. My parents had to be scraped off the highway from the crash so there are no bodies to bury. There will be no funeral but I guess it's for the best anyway.

"Hello Tris, how was your visit with Caleb this morning?" she chirps and I want to smack her. "I don't want to talk about it!" I yell. "Why not?" she asks calmly. "Because. They're dead because of me and my brother…" I trail off before "Might die because of me. It should have been"

"I'm so sorry for what happened, Tris but you are not responsible for what happened. You deserve to recover and have a good life. That's what they would have warned, right?" I nod. "I just don't know how to go on without them."

"That understandable and it will take time. It's okay to miss them or to feel whatever it is you feel right now." she tells me before letting me go. I sit in the day room alone as everything that has happened hits me. It's too much, it's too much.

I want to purge. I want to cut. I want to do something right now to end the pain I'm feeling. I can't do either here. My chest feels tight and I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. My heart pounds, my palms sweat and shake as I sob and feel myself crumble.

Rachel, one of the behavior techs notices and sits across from me. "Tris, what's going on?" she asks. "They're dead! They're dead! They left me." I say before the tears flow. I cry until no more tears will fall and I'm exhausted.

Since it's a weekend, we have free time so I head back to my room after lunch and take a nap. I see my parents again and hug them. I try to stop them from leaving but they ignore me. I wake yelling "No! No! No" as Myra tells me it's time for snack.

Caleb visits me when he's well enough to leave the hospital, we haven't seen each other since Family Day which was a couple weeks ago. He walks into the house awkwardly, not quite meeting my eyes. "How are you?" I ask quietly.

"How do you think I am, Beatrice? Our parents are dead because of you. I was almost dead because of you!" he yells with his voice trembling near the end. "Don't you think I know that! Do you know how that feels? I've been horrible ever since." I spew back at him.

"If you're just here to make me feel bad, you can leave." I say and we are both silent. "I'm not but don't pretend you're not at least party responsible. You know I was sort of jealous in a way. They couldn't ignore you when your life was in danger. I couldn't compete with that." he seethes.

"I never wanted that. I never chose to be sick you know and the attention wasn't that great. Everyone was focused on if I had eaten or what I ate or the way I looked. I didn't want that." I whisper and I see my own pain and grief in his eyes.

"What are we going to do now?" I ask, afraid of what the answer may be. "I don't know but I don't want to see you right now. I want to go away somewhere from everything of theirs. I can't be with you right now." he replies before leaving and I feel my heart ache.

I've not only lost my parents but I have lost my brother now too. I don't know if he's ever going to forgive me but I'm a girl with no parents and no brother. I'm broken and now I feel like I've killed my family over my disease.

I never wanted to hurt them. I never wanted to kill them but now, I have managed to do both. I know that I didn't have a choice in having my disease but I feel selfish. I caused so much destruction and I don't know how I'm ever going to be able to put myself back together and feel whole again.

I find out later that Caleb moved to a boarding school with the help of our aunt and uncle. I haven't heard a word from him since our last visit but I know what I did must be unforgettable. I still ache for my parents every day and wish that things could have been different.

I've moved to transitional housing where I attend a partial hospitalization treatment program each day. I'm doing well in treatment at least and today, I get to go home and resume intensive outpatient treatment instead.

Once I'm home, I feel lonely and decide to call Four over as I haven't seen him since I was in the hospital months ago. He comes over right away with a huge grin on his face. He pulls me into his embrace as he whispers into my hair "I've missed you! You look so much better."

"I've missed you too. Three months away is a really long time." he says. "I know." I nod. "I'm alone now though. My parents are dead, Caleb is gone and I don't have a family now." I tell him as tears threaten to spill from my eyes.

"Shh!" he says softly while wiping away my tears and pulling me closer to him. "You're not alone. You have me. I'll be your family now, I promise." he finishes before our lips are pulled into a kiss that leaves me breathless.

"I love you." I tell him before he says "I love you too." We decide to order pizza and watch a movie before falling asleep in each other's arms.


	13. Chapter 13

_**A/N: Here's the last chapter of this story. I apologize for it being short but there's a lot more to come in the sequel. This chapter includes lyrics from the Katy Perry song Roar but I don't own them or Divergent. Enjoy!**_

 **Did You Know?**

There are five stages of change that occur in the eating disorder recovery process which include:

Pre-Contemplation- One does not believe they have a problem in this stage even if others notice they do.

Contemplation- One is willing to admit they have a problem and may be open to getting help.

Preparation- One moves to this stage when they're ready to get help but are not sure of how to get it.

Action- This occurs when one is ready to take action and work toward recovery.

Maintenance/Relapse- This occurs when one has been in the action phase for at least 6 months. They work towards maintaining the changes they have made and to prevent relapse.

 ***Remember these stages may not occur in a linear fashion, they are only guidelines to be aware of***

Tris' POV

We wake the next morning and get ready for school as he tells me that I missed Eric's trial but he has been sentenced to life in prison without parole.

After school, I have intensive outpatient treatment sessions three times a week and the other data I can go back to dance. Today is my first day back at dance and I am so excited. I have finally managed to achieve recovery and feel like myself again.

When I get to the studio, I pull my hair up into a bun and change into my unitard and tights. We warm up and I rehearse for a solo piece this weekend set to a song called Roar. I love the dance and song choice as it is something I can really relate to.

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath, Scared to rock the boat and make a mess. I assemble then pile So I sat quietly, agreed politely. I guess that I forgot I had a choice.

I grand pile' then go down so that I am on the floor.

I let you push me past the breaking point. I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything. You held me down but I got up. I développe then élève Next, I fondu then arabesque. You held me down, but I got up. Already brushing off the dust.

I get into grand bêtement and grand jeté as the music continues. You hear my voice, you hear that sound, Like thunder gonna shake the ground. I passé then petit pose.. You held me down, but I got up, Get ready 'cause I've had enough. I see it all, I see it now

I piqué then grand jete again. I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire  
'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar. I promenade then révérence. Louder, louder than a lion, 'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar. I put my arms into fifth position, releve and saute. Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh. Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh. You're gonna hear me roar.

I finish to find Tobias clapping as he grins "Looks like I've got my best dancer back. Well done!" I find myself smiling too, finally feeling happy with life


End file.
